We have all heard the term “pissin’ in the wind”, right? Well this story brings a whole new meaning to that statement. You haven’t lived until you have hung bare-bootied off the back of a boat… Just sayin’. This is not for the faint of heart. This is not for the weak. This makes you a total bad-ass. (That’s part of my “self” pep talk before I hung it all “out” in the wind)
 

This last week I went on a fishing extravaganza to Fort Peck Reservoir. After hearing about the monsters that lurk beneath the surface, I was pretty excited. I think that my excitement would have been dulled had I known I was going to show my booty to the entire countryside. What???
 

Have you ever seen those fancy boats, you know the kinds that are always racing past the family pontoon boat with their motors screaming and their glitter sparkling in the sunshine? I swear those things are spit-shined, meanwhile our trusty ol’ pontoon is covered in algae and is definitely built for comfort, not speed. If the owners of those sparkly boats gave my pack of barbarian children 5 minutes, the only sparkling that would be done would be from the tears of the captain after the little devils smeared worm dirt and Cheetohs across the plush leather seats and ground it into the carpet.
 

Anyways…Back to the story of my shame.
 

The whole trip over to the reservoir, the outdoorsman was teasing me, well I THOUGHT he was teasing me, about the fact that I would have to pee in a bucket on the boat. Apparently, they will not pull those fancy shcmancy boats ashore to let a poor woman tend to her business in private. He was having a hell of a time and laughing his butt off as he saw me getting twitchy in my seat. He kept telling me this, but I really didn’t believe him and didn’t really give it a second thought until it was too late.
 

As we pulled up to the boat launch, I look around and there is not a woman to be seen. Ok…I am wondering why…then we hop onto the boat and I instantly look around to scope out the facilities. But there are none. I don’t even see a pink bucket. I am starting to get nervous, which of course makes you have to pee. I quickly stop drinking my coffee; until I can find out the exact “situation” I am in. I begin to see a glimmer of hope when I see that our guide is a woman. Yay!! I was really stressing on how I was going to go #1 on a fancy schmancy glitter boat but now I THINK that I am saved. Surely this woman will have a trick up her sleeve that I am clearly missing. Boy, oh boy, was I right. She definitely had a trick and it was a trick I was definitely not sold on.
 

After hours and I mean literally hours of holding it, I decide I cannot take it anymore. The outdoorsman has peed 6 times. Yes, 6 freaking times. Every time he pees over the side of the boat I envision kicking him in the butt and knocking him out of the boat. I think this is the only time in my life I can honestly say that I have had “penis envy”. I can barely move I have to pee so horribly. I cannot stop thinking about pee and how long I can possibly hold it, which of course, makes it much worse. I so wish I could just whip out a weenie and take care of the situation. Cry…Cry… I sigh, sigh again and shift my weight for the tenth time. I better just go before my bladder literally bursts or the outdoorsman gets drowned for having a penis. And then finally, I bite the bullet and tell the others that I am going to dieeeee if I don’t go.
 

So….this is the play by play. All of the snickering men head to the back of the boat. I head to the front, pull down the my drawers, back up to the bow of the boat, grab the back of the front fishing seat, brace our feet on the edge and let er’ rip. No need to worry if someone can see your booty…I guarantee they can see the full moon for at least a mile. Now, you do not want to let your grip lesson, as you will fall straight into the lake and there is no need to wonder if the men in the back are peeking because you are facing them with your pants down, so you can see as they peek and giggle. Turds! I had to do this twice and I tell you what, I think I set a land speed record for peeing. I still turn bright red at the mere thought of my “position”. Once I was introduced to this method, I went on a liquids strike. I didn’t have a single drop of liquid all day long for fear that I would have use this special trick… Ahhhhh!! On the other hand, she did give me a little milk jug I could try in pee in also…Ummmmm…..
 

All of those turds smirk as they go to the back of the boat. So then it starts raining. Dear God, the traction on my shoes is not meant to grip the side of a super waxed side of a glittery boat in the rain. My frozen hands were slipping off the back of the wet leather chair even with the death grip I was doling out. Talk about feeling the pressure. I can’t even pee if I know someone is sitting outside the bathroom door. It’s just weird to listen to someone pee. If I hadn’t of been holding a gallon on coffee from 6 am until 2 pm, I just might not have been able to take care of “bidness”. But luckily, my bladder vetoed my brain and let me go, even with the fear of falling in the freezing lake and getting eaten by a monster pike. If I fell in the lake, half naked, I would never, ever, ever live it down. And the fishing day would be over because I would be a frozen, drowned rat. Given that I didn’t want to rain on the fishing parade, I held on for dear life.
 

I must say this was all worth it though, I think the fish must have felt bad for me because I out-fished the outdoorsman like a boss. Oh yeahhhhhhh!!!!!
 

On a side note…Someone told me about this device, The GoGirl. This certainly has merit…

Kristen Berube lives a crazy, laugh-filled life with her outdoorsman husband Remi and their three camo-clad children in Missoula, Montana. A graduate of Montana State University and the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology, she loves being a mom and enjoys hiking, fishing, and camping. “Confessions of a Camo Queen: Living with an Outdoorsman” is her first book.

It is available for purchase at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1560376287/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk

My horoscope today was a fitting one. It said, “You will love to redecorate your digs in the next several weeks.”
 

About a month ago, my husband and I finally closed on the purchase of our first home together. Being that it is a newly constructed home, it is extra exciting to become its first residents. Since closing, our lives have become completely immersed in all things house related. From window blinds and landscaping to furniture and fire pits, we have a busy summer (and life) ahead of us.
 

With my sister-in- law’s college graduation party slated to be held at our home a mere two weeks after closing, the pressure was really on to get unpacked and settled ASAP. Thankfully, after many lunch breaks, late nights, and scramblings on the one full weekend we had, our house looked relatively put together and presentable.
 

Dishes were carefully stacked in the kitchen cabinets, rugs lay in front of each door, fancy Egyptian cotton towels were rolled up neatly on bathroom shelves, and thanks to our realtor we even had a little potted pansy plant to set on the front steps to indicate someone lived there. My husband even graciously managed, despite all of his other more important projects, to hang several of our engagement and wedding photos on the walls. That was truly the icing on the cake for me. Being able to walk inside our home each day and see photos commemorating two of the biggest days in my life brings the most joyous smile to my face.
 

Needless to say, our house was ready just in time for the graduation party and it went off without a hitch. But the work certainly didn’t stop there.
 

With Memorial Day weekend upon us, I’d like to say I’m going to spend my three days off work boating or camping or riding my dirt bike way up in the mountains. But alas, house projects call. With only a dirt lot riddled with weeds to currently call our yard, we decided that we should work on the landscaping in the midst of the nice weather. Thankfully, my father-in- law owns a commercial landscaping company in Arizona and graciously offered come up with some of his workers and help us with our yard.
 

Before we can start all the fun parts like planting trees and laying seed, however, we need to install an underground sprinkler system. That will be the focus of our Memorial Day weekend this year with my father-in- law currently in route from Arizona.
 

In preparation for the installation of the irrigation system, my husband and I have spent several nights raking (yes, you heard me right) our back yard to clear up as many of the pebbles and rocks as possible from the ground. I’ll admit that I never figured raking rocks into one of the events of my first year of marriage. But I suppose being out working in the yard with my husband under the vast Montana sky is still a blessing.
 

Rain or shine, the irrigation system will get installed this weekend. Fingers crossed we mostly get sun. No doubt it will be an exhausting weekend but I’m looking forward to having so much family in and around our new home for a few days. Plus, we will soon reap the benefits of all the work when our first little sproutlings of green grass pop their newborn heads up from the dirt.
 

Sometimes I find myself struggling to justify all of the extra time, money and effort creating a home from scratch requires. But then I just remind myself that I get to live in Montana. The most beautiful and fulfilling state in the country (in my opinion). There was a time when people packed up all their possessions and headed west toward states like Montana because of all the promise they held. Building a house and a home…..even though it takes a lifetime, will always be worth it to me because I get to do it in Montana.
 

Some people might scoff at the straight stretch of dirt road (soon to be filled with pot holes I’m sure) we have to drive to reach our house. Personally…..I hope they never pave it. It’s just one other reminder of that fact that I’m living in the more rugged state of Montana where driving dirt roads is a privilege to be embraced and cherished.

 

 Lacey Middlestead is a Montana native and freelance writer currently living in Helena, Mont. She loves meeting new people and helping share their stories. When she’s not busy writing articles for newspapers like the Independent Record and Helena Vigilante, she can usually be found indulging in her second greatest passion–playing in the Montana wilderness. She loves skiing and snowmobiling in the winter and four wheeling, hiking, boating, and riding dirt bikes in the summer.

The Ravens of the Rose is a part of a continuing series in which I explored dealing with the death of one of my most profound mentors. I have done art all my life, and I daydreamed about making career out of, but I was never really serious until I was put into Sue Dolan’s art class my sophomore year of High School. Mrs. Dolan opened my eyes to the art wold, gave me the tools I needed to start building a solid foundation of skills and she was directly one of my greatest motivators to join an art school after graduating. I considered her a mentor and a friend. Unfortunately, she passed away mere months before I finished my degree at Northwest College of Art. Her influence on my life led me to paint this image. Mrs. Dolan included ravens in many of her paintings while I knew her. While also being a symbol of death, her ravens always seemed hopeful. So a raven in my painting is taking flight. The roses are for the funeral I could not attend, and the ghosty roses behind are for my regrets and unsaid words. But the colors are vibrant and bright, while sad, Mrs. Dolan was the most vibrant and colorful person I have ever known, and I am a better person for having met her.

The originals are still available, two 12x24, framed for $750.

Unmatted 12x12 prints are available for $45. Contact me at [email protected], if you're interested in purchasing a print.

 Kyle Ploehn is an artist, illustrator and writer living in Billings Montana. He likes to spend the few hours he isn't painting hiking the mountains of Montana.