BULL-DACIOUS | LAST BEST PLATES | "WILD" SELFIES | 91-1- WHAT? | BOOM TOWN
5 REALITY SHOWS ABOUT MONTANA WE'D LIKE TO SEEarticle by Bill Muhlenfeld
B-list Hollywood celebrities take turns riding bulls at rodeos around Montana. Bulls are handpicked for their fierceness, agility, and aversion to pretentious egos. Triage and hospital interviews are featured. Celebs lasting eight seconds atop a Brahman are treated to a shopping trip in Miles City. Bill Murray officiates.
2. BOOM TOWN
Montana towns with populations of 100 or less (Ismay, Bearcreek, Flaxville, etc.) are over-night populated by the same number of people from a large urban area (Chicago, San Francisco, New York, et.al.). Temporary barrack housing is made available. The new arrivals must find ways to work, recreate, and develop relationships with town residents. Cameos of actual town residents explaining things like grocery shopping (100+ miles, round-trip), barbwire fence repair, and varmint control are sample elements. Candid “townie” observations of city-slickers are both instructive and comedic: “Yep, we call those lights up there ‘stars.’” “No sir, I don’t believe we do have cell service, but there is a pay phone down at the gas station.”
3. "WILD" SELFIES
Unsuspecting tourists and visitors are encouraged to take close-up selfies with Montana wildlife. Examples include bison-petting, baby-bear cuddling (mother nearby) and “pin-the-tail” on the moose. Emphasis will be on originality of selfie and entertainment value of wild animal response. Post-attack interviews will be conducted on-site, or at nearest medical facility. Contestants will be awarded lifetime passes to national parks and a year’s supply of bear spray and pain medication.
4. LAST BEST PLATES
From your grill to theirs. Aspiring chefs will engage in surprise cook-offs of Montana road kill, with emphasis on originality of preparation and presentation. Typical road kill may include marmot, elk, bear, mountain lion, deer, elk, and antelope. Occasional skunk, horse, or eagle may surprise. Extra points will be awarded for freshness (hours from impact), as chefs and their assistants scramble to locate and appropriate carcasses for meal preparation. Series will culminate at Montana’s “Testy Festy,” (held annually each Summer) which will feature “all you can eat” Rocky Mountain oysters for the winning team.
5. 91-1- WHAT?
Viewers join Montana police on their daily calls dealing with Montana-style crimes and misdemeanors.
Examples from actual Montana police reports include:
- Someone was heard whistling while they worked during an accidental 911 call.
- A driver hit a moose on Gallatin Road.
- Someone called in to discuss a dog that was involved in some criminal activity
- A Columbia Falls resident reported that someone was in their closet. A deputy checked the closet and determined that it was safe.
- A woman reported that the people at “Fort Hungry Horse” set fireworks off at night. In retaliation, she stated that she planned to buy a bullhorn and yell into it all day.
- A Lakeside man reported that a black bear that was “small enough to wrestle” was on his back porch and had been there for at least three hours. He called back shortly after stating that he was able to chase the bear off himself by reaching out the door and slapping it on the nose.